Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.

Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, "How did you live to such a healthy old age?" He said, "I do lots of drugs, eat lots of sugars and fats, I smoke, and I never exercise." "Wow," I said, "how old are you again??" "I'm 22."

MONDAY 8:00 - "Husseinfeld" 8:30 - "Mad About Everything" 9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions" 9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show" 10:00 - "Allah McBeal" TUESDAY: 8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune" 8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says It's Right" 9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things" 9:30 - "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" 10:00 - "Buffy The Infidel Slayer" WEDNESDAY: 8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" 8:30 - "When The Northern Alliance Attacks" 9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread" 9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone" 10:00 - "Veilwatch" THURSDAY: 8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi" 8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H" 9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long,

I heard some guys talking about you yesterday. One said that you weren't fit to sleep with pigs, but I stuck up for you; I said you were!

"You know that the world is going crazy when: the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'." -Chris Rock

What's green and turns red at the touch of a button? A frog in a liquidizer!

There was a family of gnus, and one day, Mr Gnu went out to get some food but was ambushed and eaten by a pride of lions. Next salute, a poacher shoots Mrs Gnu, leaving poor Baby Gnu to starve to death. Well, that's the end of the gnus; here's the weather . . .

Money may not grow on trees, but it would seem as if morons like you certainly do.

If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she'd be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long. If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she'd be Whoopi Cushing. If Swoosie Kurtz married Patrick Swayze, she'd be Swoosie Swayze. If Flip Wilson married Les Aucoin, he'd be Flip Aucoin. If Barbara Hershey married John Candy, divorced him to marry Roseanne Barr, she'd be Barbara Hershey Candy Barr. If Julie Emry married Jeff Gillooly, divorced him to marry Darlene Hooley, then divorced her to marry Wes Cooley, she'd be Julie Gillooly Hooley Cooley. If Ivana

A ninety-year-old couple was going to bed, and the old lady was feeling romantic. She said to her husband, "I remember, when we were younger, how you used to hold my hand at night." Grumbling under his breath, her husband reached over and held her hand. Shortly after, she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you kissed me every night before we went to sleep." Really getting ticked off, the husband gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I remember how, when we were younger, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, the man threw the covers off of himself and stormed out of the room Surprised, the woman called after him asking what he is doing. "Going to get my teeth!" he replie

How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour petrol on him and set him on fire, and he'll go "WOOF"!

Your Mom's so old that she was alive when the Raiders had both eyes.