Then there were the three bears. One married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it.

Mind Over Matter If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

"Madame," said the psychiatrist, "you haven't got a complex; you ARE inferior."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, and getting in and out past incredible security, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!

The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, "Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!"

The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

Did you see that movie about the pirate? It's rated Arrr!

Yo momma is so fat, it takes 2 toilets to fit one cheek!

Your mama so fat that she has to wear traintracks for a belt!

Your mama so old and fat that she went to see Mt. Rushmore and sang "We Are Family"

Your mama so big that people walk around her for exercise.