You might be a redneck if your dog is in your bed more than your wife.

Knock-knock Who's there? Kook Kook who? Hey, who you calling cukoo mister?

Why does a cock always close his eyes when he's crowing? Because he already knows the text!!

What is the similarity between Einstein and Newton? Neither of them ever had a mobile phone!

Why do pigs STINK? Because they have four armpits..

What door cannot be pushed, even by 10 people simultaneously? The door that says: PULL

A college student walks down the road when he sees a beggar on the side of the street. College Student (C) : Hey mister! whatsup! Beggar (B) : Yea how you doin'... C: So, how long have you've been a beggar? B: It's about eight years now kid.. C: WOW! Thats long time.. how much do you get per day? B: Not that bad... about 250 bucks a day... C: That's enermous! B: Yeah.. Enough for living my family.. C: Owch.. you got family too! Where are they now? B: My wife's dead. I got three children, one of them in Harvard University, one in MIT, and the other one went oversea, he goes to Oxford University... C: *pause, surprised* That's..that's really great... So, when they're gonna be graduated? B: No

TEACHER : There is a frog, ship is sinking, potatoes cost $10/kg, then what is my age? STUDENT : 32 yrs! TEACHER : How do you know? STUDENT : Well, my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning ship. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. O

Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of water? Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O Teacher: What is this? Paul: Well, you said it is H2O! ------------------------------------------------------- Teacher : Mike, get up! How can you sleep in my class? Mike : I can Mr, if you keep your voice down. ----------------------------------------------------------- Teacher : Where does God live? Little boy : I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?' ---------------------------------------------------------- Teacher: "Annie! stop showing off! Do you think you are the teacher of

You fart and you are proud of the smell

Make sure you are in a public place with a lot of people around. Sniff the air a couple of times (make sure it is loud sniffs). Turn to you wife and say in a loud voice "Hey honey did you fart?!".