1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 3. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 4. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. 5. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder. 6. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you. 7. You are not Tom Cruise. 8. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way. 9. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you. 10. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea. 11. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles. 12. Smart bombs have bad days too. 13. The best defense is to stay out of range. 14. If

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. "I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition." "Batted .007," his wife added.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. The car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother, after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked,"Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet, that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here." The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read, "Neither does Bob Vila."

Yo momma is like a radio station, everyone can turn her on.

What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know")

I once asked a foreign person if i could bang on his drum, he told me, "You can't bang on my drum, but you can bang on my bum!" -If this ever happens to you, run!