WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. All men are idiots....I married their king. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant. His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

A computer teacher who doesn't speak good english tells his student "Paul open the window let the Air Force Come." At another time the same teacher and his wife sees one of his students in mall. The next day the teacher says to the student "Tim, yesterday I saw you with my wife at the mall."

Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812? A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 5... 1 to try and fail, 3 to stand around and pretend to be musicians, and 1 to actually do it right. How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3... 1 to do it, and 2 to say they can do it better. How many tuba players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2... 1 to crush the lightbulb, and the other to fight about it.

What do scientists use to freshen their breath? Experi-mints

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks

You might be a redneck if your kids are named after the car they were made in.

1) Your life's ambition involved 2 things. "get high" and "earn just enough money to get high" 2) You're nervous around the police even if you have nothing on you because "you just know they know," -or- You WANT them to search you because you don't have anything just so you can laugh at them. 3) You set aside actual lump sums of money to buy weed and treat it like your 'utility bill.' 4) You were never out of weed until your friends were out of weed. 5) Every time you happened to catch the clock at a glance and see '4:20', you automatically think of weed. (Whether you still smoke or have quit before) 7) You would drive over 100 miles if you knew a guy who was selling weed 20 bucks che

One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, "I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw."

The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting. It seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. It was highly successful in making men fear or even hate marriage. The club provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'