Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class. Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower. The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can. Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate. Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in wh

A man walks into a bar. He falls down, unconscious. Why is this? Because the man walked into a solid bar. A solid, metal bar!

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, and self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." Later that night, as the princess dined

What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've some thin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery." " Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda, no. In fac

What happens to a scone when you have eaten it? It's scone.

Yo Momma's so dumb she studied for a urine test!!

Yo momma's so ugly, yo daddy had eye surgery TO REMOVE HIS SIGHT!

If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless? If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight??? If nothing sticks to teflon, then how do they make teflon stick to the pan? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear seatbelts? If love is blind, then why is lingere so popular? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? If a black box flight recorder is never damaged in a plane crash, why dont they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within 5 kilometers of home, then why doesnt every one just move 5 k's away? Why are psychics still working if th

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom, and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said t

Cover Charge: $15.00 Round of Drinks: $23.00 Table Dance: $30.00 Another Round of Drinks: $23.00 Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00 A Round of Shots: $34.00 Another Round of Drinks: $23.00 Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00 Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00 Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her: ...........PRICELESS!

Women Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and i