WARNING: Racial insult to a black person. Why could a black person never get oral sex? Because the black person would taste like horribly burned food.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor w

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research. Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds", he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck

What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division". Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team w

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy. That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid. Chuck Norris can jud

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axles, and buffalo meat on hi

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidney

Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill. The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy! For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood. Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy. The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris. Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement"

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier. In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky. They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Nor

Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight? There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this? 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' w

On Halloween night a kid is standing on a bench with a fake beard, fake fangs, a tennis racket, a baseball cap, and a purple cape. A snobby man walks by and says, "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says, "Duh! I'm a kid standing on a bench wearing fake fangs, a fake beard, a baseball cap, a purple cape and holding a tennis racket! What did you think I was?"