George Bush to friend: Sorry I forgot your birthday. Dick Cheney forgot to put it on my to-do list.

Boys are like public toilets; they're either taken, or full of crap. (no offense to you boys)

Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting youth. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TEN

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND." -US Marine Corps "CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop. "IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal "A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of preventative maintenance "IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual "TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Jo

IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?). IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete

A man's wife was in labor with their first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly the man's wife began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" The man said,"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?!" The doctor replied, "Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Q: Why isn't there a pro football team in Flint, Michigan? A: Because then Detroit would want one too!

Yo momma's so stupid and so fat that when she stepped on the scale and saw three 7s, she thought she won the jackpot.

Yo momma is so dumb when she got locked in the matress king she slept on the floor

A blonde, a red head and a brunette are all skateboarding and bragging about their best tricks. The brunette says, "I can do a double impossible and a misty." The red head says, "Thats nothing. I can do a 1080 flip off a quarter pipe, then do a double double and land it without falling". Then the blonde says, "I dont know what the big deal is with all of you guys, I can do all those with no hands!"