A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you

Johnny: "Dad, stop drinking my root beer!!! Do I get free refills?" Dad: "Sure -- I backwashed!"

Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

Boy: Did it hurt? Girl: Did what hurt? Boy: When you fell from heaven. Girl: Aww, did it hurt when you got kicked out of hell? Boy: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together. Girl: Really? If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put F and U together.

1 Why cant blondes make ice cubes? Because they dont have the recipe! 2 Two Blondes were in a car and came to a fork in a road, and the sign said Disneyland left. So they turned around and went home. 3 How do you know when a blonde's been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive. 4 How do you confuse a blonde? Tell her a blonde joke. 5 Why don't Blondes make good cattle ranchers? They can't keep their calves together.

1 Why did the blonde cross the road? She was tied to the baby that was stapled to the chicken. 2 Why did the blonde take a right into the ditch? Her blinker was on 3 What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear ? Data transfer. 4 What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

Here are some cute things kids thought up when asked to write about the moon (all the spelling mistakes are original!) The moon is a saterlight. A long time ago a big object hit the Moon and some of the moon fell off. If u look through a telliscope you can see big holes. There are big montines on the moon just like on Earth - they are some of the left-overs of the Moon in big lumps Neil Armstrong was the first person to step on the Moon. He had weights in his boots so he wouldn't fall off.

What do starving Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common? They are both living off dead Beatles.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it.

1 What's the advantage of having a blonde as a girlfriend? You get to park in handicapped zones. 2 What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue. 3 Why did God give blondes 2% more brains than horses? So they don't crap on the street during parades!

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ''If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.'' Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ''Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.''