Ever notice that "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

Take your income and add 10%

A husband & wife are talking. Husband: "How many times have you cheated on me?" Wife: "Only twice." Husband: "Tell me about them." Wife: "Remember when you were very sick, and we didn't have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him." Husband: "That's not so bad; and the other?" Wife: "Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?"

What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A train goes "chew, chew, chew," and a teacher says, "Spit that gum out!"

How many FBI agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Shut up! We'll be asking the questions here.

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 3. One to change it and the other two to argue whether the lightbulb really exists.

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up." -Phyllis Diller

Every solution breeds new problems.

Join the Marines: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

A guy goes to the movies one day, and in the front row there's an old man. With him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film. You know the type. In the sad part the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended the guy decides to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," he said. "Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned. "Yeah, it really is amazing, because he hated the book."

Did you hear about the new Polish million dollar lotery? You get a dollar a year for a million years!!!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.