A guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have a problem." "My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday." "I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all." The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says, "You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened"? The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered through the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and with drew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!" Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the chorus. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the chorus director and the assistant pastor. After a few moments, there were about tw

Some times when the soap bar in the shower is small enough I like to swipe it thru my butt crack and say " beep! credit card accepted"

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The Emcee stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is

Amy was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a game on TV. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this, there's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season tickets." "Hmmm," her husband said, not bothering to look away from the game. Amy said teasingly, "Would you swap me for season tickets?" "Absolutely not," he said, "season's more than half over."

The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said I didn't and she said great there's a hammer and nails in the corner.

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

(Passing requires 4 correct answers...) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Quiz Answers: 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and H

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YO

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant! Why did the blonde die in the helecopter crash? She got cold so she turned off the fan! How did the blonde die ice fishing? She got ran over by the zamboni machine! ( Zambonis make the ice on skating rinks) How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree! A blonde was taking a walk outside when a bird flew over her in the sky. When it suddenly dropped a load on her. What did she say? Good thing my mouth was open or it would've hit me in the face!