If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop. "I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon. "What for?" asked his colleague. "About $17,000." "What did he have?" "Oh... About $17,000."

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks Johnny what he's dressed up like that for at Halloween. Little Johnny says, "I'm an IRS agent"; then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.

A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

Your mother has something wrong with her brain. After medical examination, the doctor tells her: "Your brain has two parts: one is left, and the other is right. Your left side has nothing right, Your right side has nothing left."

A nun walks into a liquor store and asks to buy a fifth of whiskey. She says it's for Mother Superior's constipation, so the owner says ok. She buys the booze and leaves. Two hours later, the owner closes store and walks through the park on his way home. As he's walking, he spots the same nun sitting on a park bench, roaring drunk. "Shame on you, Sister", he says, "I thought that whiskey was for Mother Superior's constipation." "It is," she slurrs. "When she sees me, she'll crap!"

While on the obstacle course in bootcamp, we had to lay on a rope and pull ourselves along. When I got to the other end and got my feet on the ground I asked my M/CPL if I could do that again. When he asked me why, I retorted with, "Well I have a groove down my left nut, I would like to put a groove down my right nut so they would match up again."

A soldier's letter home: Dear Mom, I can't tell you where i am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear. Two weeks later, another letter home: Dear Mom, I can't tell you where I am, but yesterday i danced with a hula girl. Two weeks later another letter home: Dear Mom, I still can't tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl.

Yo Mama's so fat, she doesn't need the Internet - she's already world wide.

Redneck Christmas Shopping You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.

A blond employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me!"

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child."