When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo

There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, "I'm goin' hunting". She says, "Oh, no, your not, we are married now." The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go hunting." So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together. They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer." She replies, "OK". So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife. He looks up in the deer stand and does not se

"I'd like the number for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator. "There are multiple listings for Christine Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Snake."

It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. There can't be any life on Mars. They haven't asked the United States for any money. When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake. Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own. My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality. Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences". The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas". "But, Nurse

A really drunk guy is walking home from the bar and sees a pumpkin patch on the side of the road. He thinks how nice and squishy they must be on the inside, and decides to have a little fun with a pumpkin. He finds a big one, cuts a hole in it, and starts going at it. It must have been getting pretty good because he didn't even notice that a cop car had pulled up, and that an officer was walking right towards him. The cop says "Hey buddy.... Do you know you're screwing a pumpkin?" to which the guy responds, "A pumpkin?!? It's midnight already???"

PHYSICS: John Moonstone and the late Thomas Parnell of the University of Ohio, for patiently conducting an experiment that began in the year 1925 -- in which a glob of congealed black tar has been slowly, dripping through a funnel, at a rate of approximately one drop every nine years. LITERATURE: The Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria, for creating and then using e-mail to distribute a bold series of monetary tall tales, thus introducing millions of readers to a cast of super rich characters -- General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Sherry Quay Lu, Barrister Jon A. Mbeki Esq., and others -- each of whom requires just a small amount of expense money so as to obtain access to the great wealth to which the

#1. A mandatory evacuation means just that - get the hell out. Don't blame the Government after they tell you to go. If they hadn't said anything, I can see the argument. They said get out; if you didn't, it's your fault, not theirs. (We don't want to hear it, even if you don't have a car, you can get out.) #2. If there is an emergency, stock up on water and non-perishables. If you didn't do this, it's not the governments fault you're starving. #2a. If you run out of food and water, find a store that has some. (Remember, shoes, TV's, DVD's and CD's are not edible. Leave them alone.) #2b. If the local store is too looted of food or water, leave your neighbor's tv and stereo alone. (See