An ant and an elephant got married. After they had sex, the elephant had a heart attack and died. "Crap," the ant said. "Five minutes of passion and now the rest of my life digging a grave."

Yo mama is so stupid, when I told her to turn on the tv, she started stripping.

What disease frightens ghosts the most? BoOoOo-bonic Plague What's the difference between girl ghosts and boy ghosts? BoOoOo-bies

Why didn't the blonde make the gymnastics team? When they asked for a cartwheel, she stole a tire from the hot dog vendor.

What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor? Looking for an internship.

There once was an American Indian whose given name was "OneStone". He was so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him OneStone. After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them!" Word quickly spread and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named BlueBird forgot and said, "Good morning, OneStone." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. Then he made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. Word got around that OneStone meant what he promised he wou

We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first?

Q> Why did Pepsi hire Michael Jackson to do commercials again? A> Because they wanted someone to suck that little boy back out of the bottle.

Q: How does a redneck take a bubble bath? A: He farts in a puddle

1. Only raise your hand when you want to sharpen your pencil or go to the bathroom. Repeat every ten minutes. 2. Never raise your hand when you want to answer a question; instead, yell, "Ooooh! Oooh! Oooh!" and then, when the teacher calls on you, say, "I forgot what I was going to say." 3. Lean your chair back, take off your shoes, and put your feet up on your desk. Act surprised when the teacher puts all four legs of your chair back on the floor. 4. Drop the eraser end of your pencil on your desk. See how high it will bounce. 5. Drop your books on the floor. See how loud a noise you can make. 6. Hum. Get all your friends to join in. 7. Hold your nose, make a face, and say, "P.U.!" Fa

Q. Why do women fake orgasms? A. Because they think men care!

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. Here is my list of recent years' resolutions and the revised ones for 2006. Resolution #1 2003: I will try to be a better husband to Lisa. 2004: I will not leave Lisa. 2005: I will try for reconciliation with Lisa. 2006: I will try to be a better husband to Rachel. Resolution #2 2003: I will stop looking at other women. 2004: I will not get involved with Rachel. 2005: I will not let Rachel pressure me into another marriage. 2006: I will stop looking at other women. Resolution #3 2003: I will not let my boss push me around. 2004: I will not let my sadistic boss drive