Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth." Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

Q: How do you keep a cheepskate busy? A: Put him or her in a round room and tell them that you droped a $20 bill in the corner.

One day Tommy was sitting in class, the teacher came over and told him to go out in the hallway. He got mad and he didn't move. Five minutes later, she came back over to him and tapped him on the shoulder. "I thought I told you to go out in the hallway." "I did," He told her lying through his teeth. "Ok then, so what did you do with your gifts?" she asked. "What gifts?" "Your mom was outside in the hallway holding some gifts for you for your birthday, did you not see her or were you lying to me?" So he ran outside the class but his mom was gone. He was very upset but as he was walking back into the class, the teacher said, "Gotcha, that will teach you to d

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell lik

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunken man answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunken man replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found J

There are two guys walking down the street when they stumble upon a drunk. They walked up to him and the 1st guy said, "Sir, what is you name?" "My name is Jesus Christ!" slurred the drunk. "That can't possibly be, what is your real name?" asked the 2nd man. The drunk repeated, "I told you my name is Jesus Christ!" The two men still didn't believe him so the drunk told them to follow him as he walked into a nearby bar. It was then they heard the bartender say, "Jesus Christ, are you here again?!"

I don't need to write a joke! Whenever I see your face I start to laugh anyway!!

Why did the boy sprinkle sugar underneath his pillow that night? He wanted to have sweet dreams.

Why are llamas big and brown? Beacause if they were small & grey, they would be mice.

What is black & white an red all over? A penguin holding its breath!

What to a blonde is long and hard? 4th Grade

1) How does a blonde kill a fish? She drowns it! 2) How does a blonde kill a bird? She throws it off a cliff! 3) How does a blonde lose 5 pounds? She takes off her make up! 4) Why does a blonde wash her hair in the sink? Because thats where you wash vegetables! 5) What did the blonde think of her new computer? She couldn't get channel 9!