A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." "My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

The voluptuous blonde entered the dentist's office in an obvious state of agitation. She sat down in the chair and fidgeted nervously as the dentist prepared his utensils. "Oh, doctor," she exclaimed, as he prepared to look into her mouth. "I'm so afraid of dentists. Why, I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth drilled." "Well, miss," said the dentist impatiently, "better make up your mind before I adjust the chair."

The blonde teenage girl had long been infatuated with a popular local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants. "I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at Danny's Pizzeria."

I always follow my first instinct, That is unless I second guess myself. --------------------------------------------- Why don't you have a drink, your only driving to a funeral right? --------------------------------------------- Why buy a watch from the competitor, I thought time was against us? ---------------------------------------------- You must be smart, because you just confused us all. ----------------------------------------------

Job Interview Quotations: Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. An interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. A candidate fell and broke arm during interview. A candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. A candidate explained that one of her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. A candidate said he never finished high school because he w

Knock,knock.... Who's there? Fortification. Fortification who? Fortification, we're going to Miami. --------------------------------------------- Knock,knock.... Who's there? Carl. Carl who? Carl get you there faster than a bike. -----------------------------------------------

While on a game show, Justins had to identify a number of sounds. When she heard this: *laughter then plop, plop, plop* she identified it correctly right away. What did she say? An audience laughing it's head off

Why don't vegetarian women scream during orgasms? They refuse to admit that a piece of meat gives them pleasure!

1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory. 2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite critisism. 3) He who hesitates is probably right. 4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but I couldn't find it. 6) My wife went to a self help group for compulsive talkers,it's called On & On Anon. 7) I'm reading a terrific book about anti-gravity, I just can't put it down. 8) I allways wanted to be somebody,I guess I should have been more specific... 9) If you are what you eat,I'm dead meat. 10) Middle age is having two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home e

If a man is in a forest, talking to himself, with no women around, is he still wrong? If a woman is in a forest, talking to herself, with no man around, is she still complaining? -------------------------------------------------------- Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is "I am"? Did you know that the longest sentence is "I do"? -------------------------------------------------------- Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, chances are that you won't either.

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying, so he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lissin to me. I wanna you for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns, ... how about leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lissin to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da bussiness, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambina. Am I right?" "Yes grandpa, I guess so." "Ok, so soma day you gonna come home and maybe finda you wife in bed with anotha man. Whada you gonna do? Pointa to da watch and say, ... TIMES UP!?"

You might just be a redneck if your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.