I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Droughts happen because God didn't pay his water bill.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

"Ahhhh..." "Mike! What's wrong?" "I-I had a nightmare." "What was the nightmare?" "I-I-" "Yes?" "I-I-" "Spit it out!" "I-I went to heaven."

You are a redneck if: you've shaved off your eyebrows and taped them to a little kid's back.

You are a redneck if: You've ever bought steel-toed boots, only to remove the steel to patch a hole in your trailer.

You are a redneck if: you've ever had a family feud over a litter of coondogs.

You are a redneck if: you use a handful of creek mud as birth control.

Do you know how old hags tell time? * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * A witch-watch!

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.