Yo momma is so fat that she fell over and made the Grand Canyon!

The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

I did your mom... ...a favor by making you... ...lunch.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road? A: To take over the other side.

Sam: "Cas, phone for you!" Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...." --AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION-- Sam: "So, who was it?" Cas: "Heather." Sam: "What did she want?" Cas: "Our phone number."

3 Hints to arguing with blondes: 1.) Use small easy to understand words. 2.) Keep your sentences short and to the point. 3.) Use, what I like to call, "Blonde logic" aka logic that only makes sense to them or on occasion other blondes.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the ministe

May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother's teeth.

Q: What's the worst time to be a rat or a mouse? A: When it's raining cats and dogs!

Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks down the street and hums, the kids all run after her, waving money and yelling, "Ice Cream truck! Ice Cream truck!"

Did you know... in Louisiana it is illegal to tie an alligator to a fire hydrant and leave it unattended? Really! It's true!