Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the

What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth? A gummy bear

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves. "Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No, I don't have any idea." "Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in and then walks around for a bit while the latex sets and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods' crate and start the process all over again." She di

I love my Job, I love the Pay! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss, he's the best! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my Office and its location - I hate to have to go on vacation. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper that piles up every day! I love my chair in my padded cell! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers - I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my computer and all its software, I hug it often though it doesn't care... I love each program and every file, I try to understand once in a while!! I'm happy to be here, I am I am, I'm happy to give lots of taxes to my Uncle Sam. I love this Work

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. He sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer. Hing, who has had many advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask." In the book, Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he medita

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.

After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling: BFD Vending Service Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending serve -We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days. -We are waiting for the weekend. -We are out of items that have expired. -We're busy, don't bother us about this. -We don't care. -We are aware that the price for you seems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living. -We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age. -We charge others more. -We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aw

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them,

Fred was getting out of his car to go to an electronics store and had his dog in the car with him. "Stay," said Fred. A blond was witnessing all this and said to Fred, "Would it just be easier to put it in park?"

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would drink it.''

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted). English 44A SMU Creative Writing Prof. Miller In class assignment for Wednesday: Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. Th

Once upon a time, and unfortunate event took place, in which a ship sank in high seas and the following people got stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere: A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman B. 2 French men and 1 French woman C. 2 German men and 1 German woman D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman G. 2 American men and 1 American woman H 2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman What a Crazy coincidence! One month later, on various parts of the island, the following was observed: A. One Italian man killed the