Why am I stronger than Tarzan? Because I can beat on my chest without screaming.

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights. A passenger across the aisle who had been watching me leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, "I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?" One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful." "I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked. Replied the spokesman, "French Toast..."

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 5. Do I look like a people person? 6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 8. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 9. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 10. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 11. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 12. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 13. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 14

The mood of a woman An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. The moods of a man! Hungry! Horny! Sleepy!

Here's a stupid warning label: If you look at a fire extinguisher, it will say "Non-flamable"

If you fall down a bottomless pit... do you eventually die of starvation?

Why doesn't the glue inside the bottle dry?

Isn't it fascinating how feet smell and noses run?

If you think about it, a muffin is just a bald cupcake!

As far as we Americans know, Osama Bin Laden could, quite possibly, be right here in New York, posing as a cab driver, and we'd never know.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper woul