Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza! As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calor

How do blonde brain cells die? Unused...

How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit? Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold? A: No need for them to worry about blowing their brains out.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, my big brother Tom took me out on the stoop, then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, and he told me there was something that I had to know. His look and his tone I will always remember, when he told me of the horrors of.... Black November. "Come around August, now listen to me, each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, and soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin. And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, in will burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head, Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, and scoop out all your insid

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but i can't get my wife to go swimming!

Yo momma so nasty I was on the phone with her, and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo momma's breath is so stank, that they consider it a weapon of mass destruction.

Few women admit their age, Few men act theirs.

Never test the depth of water with both feet. Don't take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride. I'll start exercising as soon as i get into shape. If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth. Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue. Earth is full. go home. Gee, I'd like to care, but I wasn't given that gene. Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either. (i like this one) If you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works. Men are from Mars, Women are from Visa. (ok that was kind'a dumb) I used to have super powers but my therapist took them away.