People say you are the perfect idiot. I say you are not perfect, but you are doing pretty good.

A pirate walks into a bar and has a seat. The bartender notices the pirates peg-leg, eyepatch and hook for a hand. The bartender and the pirate start talking and the bartender casually slips in the question of how the pirate lost his leg. The pirate says, "I fell overboard and a shark bit my leg off." They talk more and the bartender asks how the pirate got the hook. The pirate says, "We were boarded by enemy pirates and they cut off my hand before running away. They talk some more and the bartender finally asks how the pirate got his eyepatch. The pirate said, "A seagull crapped in my eye." The bartender says, "Wow! You lost your eye to seagull poo in your eye?" The pirate says, "Well no...

A man walks into a bar and has a few drinks. The bartender gives him the bill but the man has left his wallet at home. So the man tells the bartender he paid already. The bartender says, "If you say you paid I believe you." The man leaves and sees a co-worker on the other side of the bar. He tells the co-worker the bartender can't keep track of who paid and who hasn't. The co-worker drinks some more and gets the bill. The co-worker says, "But I've paid already." The bartender says, "Well I guess you could of. I believe you." The co-worker leaves and sees an old friend of his on the street. The co-worker tells the friend about the nice little scam in the bar. The friend goes in the bar and dr

A man walks into a bar and has a lot of drinks. He gets completely wasted. He mentions to the bartender that he has his girlfriend sitting in his new corvette outside so she can drive him home. While the bartender went outside to throw out the garbage he notices a corvette with a man and a woman making out in it. He goes back into the bar and tells the man to go check on his girl. The man leaves and comes back laughing and staggering a few minutes later. Confused the bartender asks what is so funny. The man replies, "My friend Bobby is so wasted he thinks he's me!"

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, "How do you get to the other side?" "You are on the other side," the other blonde yells back.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no respon

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strap

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice? Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient? Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?