Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt? They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon h

Johnny and his mother were having a parent-teacher conference. MOTHER: Johnny really enjoys having you as a teacher, Mrs. Bengal. JOHNNY: Really? I didn't know it was opposite day!

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it." "Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the rabbi. "Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her." "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty." "It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours

1. If you had a $25 bill, what would you do with it? 2. How many tomatoes grow on a tree? 3. How many animals did Moses take on the ark?

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in front of a door? Matt What do you call a guy with no arms or legs swimming? Bob What do you call a guy with no arms or legs water skiing? Skip

(These are fake books, but they make me laugh) "Spots on the Wall" by Hoo-flung-poo "Under the Bleachers" by Seamore Butts "Ten Steps from the Outhouse" by Willie Makeit, Illustrations by Bettie Cant

Why are all the numbers scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9!

Knock Knock. Whos there? Deaf person. Deaf person who? Sorry, can't hear you.

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?" A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?" "It's a cow, teacher." "Very good, Janie," said the teacher. Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "W

A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

Yo Momma so dumb when she went through the McDonalds drive through, she drove through McDonalds.

A blonde laughs at a joke 3 times. When the joke is told, When the joke is explained, And 5 days later, when she gets it.