A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when the aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares, and see what happens 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people

It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain t he same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman. My name is Doug .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Ernestine. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Ernestine to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf

Could you fax me your photo very very urgently? Mind you it's really very very urgent, damn serious and very important ..... I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.

This is how you know if you are addicted to the internet: 1) You kiss you girlfriend's home page. 2.) Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. 3.) Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them. 4.) You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google. 5.) You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. 6.) You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. 7.) You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your kid in the overhead compartment. 8.) Your dreams are in HTML. 9.) You find yourself typing ".com" after every period when using a word processor. 10.) You

Dear Dr. Ruth, I'm writing to tell you my problem. It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing. Ironing, washing dishes, etc. I should like to know if there is anything thet yiu vwn fi gue hduuen jsy jjeh jduue jheyhdu judgge jji jjie. njdsfhu

PLEASE DON'T SMOKE IN MY OFFICE! I enjoy sex more than you enjoy smoking but you don't see me screwing in your office.

What she says: Any ring is fine, as long as I have you. What she's thinking: No diamond? How cheap! I'll make his life a living hell! I'll put poison in his coffee! I'll cut his brake lines! Get her a diamond, idiot!!

I have the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed me a bottle of that Rogaine hair restorer. I told her while I was indeed starting to thin out some, I didn't really think I needed hair restorer yet. She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a bit of her hair on your jacket."

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) 2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) 4. "

Dear brother, I smile because you are my brother. I laugh because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!

I'm not against Avril Lavigne or anything, I like her, but I heard this, and it was pretty funny. This is the changed lyric to the chorus of Complicated: "Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated? You see the way I'm scrunching up my pitiful face when I'm on the toilet, And during this I - I push, and I strain, and I sweat, and I pray, Dear Lord, that you'll let it come out; Sooner or later I'll have to leave the bathroom, Yeah, yeah, yeah..."