Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first woman asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born? A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?