Yo mama is so dumb, she had you.

Politics comes from the root "poli-", which means many, and "-tics", which means, blood-sucking creatures.

Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

Can women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Ok, 3 canadians were walking along the beach, one from the Yukon, one from Quebec, and one from Newfoundland. Now, it happened that they found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, the genie promised each of them one wish. The Yukon said, "I wish for fish teeming in our waters for a million years." The genie snapped his fingers and said, "Done." The Yukon man went off to go fish. Now the Quebec man said, "Being as the Quebecois's (is that right?) are a superior race, I want a wall a mile high and a mile thick all the way around Quebec so no one can get in, and no one can get out. So the genie snapped his fingers, and transported the Quebecois to Quebec so there were no problems. The Newfie step

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!

When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the freeway.

Laundromat sign: Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.