Bill pilled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!" "What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. "Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, `My old man's home! My old man's home!'"

What do Michael Jackson and plastic bags have in common? They are both made out of plastic and are dangerous for children to play with.

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he en

How many cartoon characters does it take to screw in a light bulb? nine - three to find a light bulb, three to figure out how to remove the old one, three to screw it in, and all of them to complicate it!

How do you know, your computer hates you? When it grows and pop ups.

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it..... Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

How do you know that you're a computer geek? You catch a computer virus and take a virus scanning pill every week.

What exactly does the government do? They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.

Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, "Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he'll call the police!"

One day my wife was changing my daughter's diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, "Mommy, where is her thingy?" I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.

How many worms does it take to screw in a light bulb? What kind of an idiot thinks worms can screw in light bulbs?!