-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. -A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. -If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. -It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. -When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concuss

1. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. 2. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her. 3. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. 4. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 5. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape. 6. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake

Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White? A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the

What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

How does santa greet the three blonde sisters? Ho. Ho. Ho.

You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.

If you're on a plane going to California and you're stuck in an aisle seat how do you trick a blonde into giving you her window seat? Tell her only the aisle seats are going to California.

Why are New Yorkers always depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

A man walks into a bar and a drunk is sitting there mumbling something quietly. Curious the man takes the seat next to him. The drunk is mumbling, "Looks like plastic, feels like rubber." While looking at something in his hand. The man asks the drunk if he may see what he means. The man feels the object and says, "It does look like plastic and feels like rubber. Where did you get it?" The drunk replies, "From my nose."

Yo Mama's so dumb she took a spoon to the Superbowl!

Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes!