The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not flunk; He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break; He restoreth my faith in study guides. He leads me to better study habits For my grades sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For thou art with me. My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness; Thou anointest my head with understanding. My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize. Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me All the days of my examinations, And I shall not have to dwell in this university f

'Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last-minute knowledge. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would loosen their thinking. In my own room, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his book, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy; My eyes went ablur, And I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high-flying fogs. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. Rain is saved up in cloud banks. You can listen to thunder after

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free." You believe chocolate is a food group. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior. You have no life between August to June. When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking a

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all. I- Thou Shalt Nap And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was

That I would never watch the news, and I would be totally out of touch with the world happenings. That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up. That I could change so much and barely realize it. That college kids throw airplanes too. That you can know everything and fail a test. That you can know nothing and ace a test. (I know a bunch of us are testimony to this one!) That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years. That I would become one of those people that my parents warned me about. That the more money your parents give you, the less you have every time you check your account!

Once, a barber found two MIT students wanting to buy his barber pole. They offered a good price for it, so the barber sold it to them. So - these two guys drove around all day in a pickup truck carrying the barber pole. They kept getting stopped by the police, who were sure they had stolen the pole. But each time, the students referred back to the barber they had bought the pole from. So finally, an APB went out all over Boston, saying that if police saw two students driving around with a barber pole, they should leave them alone. The next day, every single barber pole in Boston was missing.

In my college dorm we had one of those irritating type guys who was born with more money than most of us could ever dream of earning, and naturally we resented his Porsche, his boat, and the women who hung all over same. The guy went out of his way to remind us all about his money, car, and especially the women. Most of us were 2 and 3 to a dorm room, but he had a room all to himself at the end of the hall in the dorm. So........ when he took off for an extended weekend, a bunch of us theatre department freaks went to his door, removed the doorknob, plastered over the entire wall at the end of the hall, nailed up new wood molding, painted the entire hallway a new color and changed all the re

My American History teacher was giving a lecture about the first three presidents. A lot of people in my class can't remember presidents very well. "You all are brainwashed," he said. Of course, there was confusion in the room at this comment. "Let me demonstrate," he continued, "'I'm Cuckoo for...'" "Cocoa Puffs!" the class replied. "You don't know the ninth president of the United States, but you know that you are 'Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.'" Then, this one guy in my class said, "If the presidents were finger-lickin' good, we'd remember 'em."

A man goes to school and learns stuff.

To find the inverse of a function, you reverse the process. To find the inverse of putting on your socks and shoes, how do you start? Socks first!