Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN! COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA! HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD! PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you kno

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways: Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte. Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing. Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines. Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart. Prof. of Chemistry: A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts. Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria. Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction. Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?' 'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid. So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time? Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000' 'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???' 'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top

The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. "Well, we're a mighty crowded, since there's already someone in the spare room" replied the farmer. "But I guess you can stay if you don't mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher." "Look," said the tourist, "I want you to know I'm a gentleman." "Well," mused the farmer, "as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher."

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams.He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the

-Overheard by a professor in the halls a few weeks after the semester starts- Male student to another male student- "Yeah, I signed up for a women's studies course. It wasn't what I expected it to be." "Really? Why is that?" "Well, it involves all this reading about ancient goddesses, and about female empowerment. I thought the class would be a little more...hands on."

At the beginning of term, we were supposed to portray what we learned during holidays by acting in a play for the school. Here I was known as the best actress in class so I was given the role of a secondary student who goes out with a rich man's reckless son. During the rehearsals, everything went perfect until the real day on stage. Acting pregnant with clothes stuffed in my dress, I begged the rich man's son not to leave me in such a condition when suddenly my BABY fell out of the TUMMY... I was so embarrassed as the whole school burst out laughing hysterically. But with talent, I knelt down n cried that silence fell upon their heads thinking it was part of the play... I was still vot

A college student at a recent college football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand this: "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh ....." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the senior citizen said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are *you* doing for th

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.) 4. Address the professor as "your excellency". 5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!" 6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers. 7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking. 8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent. 9. Sit in the

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"? JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L." TEACHER: No, that's wrong. JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!