A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I would like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your daddy and mommy probably call each other all of the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, guys; they're assholes!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient." "Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment. So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?" The boy stood up and said, "35." "Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked. "He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment sa

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. "How'd you get that, son?" "By hiking." "Hiking?" "Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

Little Johnny walked into class one day and sat down. He realized that someone new was teaching the class today, It was Coach Bob, the gym teacher. Coach Bob started the class by saying, "Okay you little one's are never too young to learn about s-e-x, uh ummm." While every other kid in the class is giggling. Little Johnny looks really intent. Coach Bob then asks, " Well, what do any of you kids already know about sex." Little Shirley raised her hand, "One time my puppy had a baby." "Good " said Coach Bob Then Little Chuckie raised his hand and said, "Well my mom gave me a little sister." "Good, good." said Coach Bob The Little Johnny raised his hand and Coach Bob's heart skipped a be

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

All the little rascals sat down for class, and the teacher decided to start off the day with a spelling quiz. The teacher first asked Darla, "Darla, can you spell dumb?" "D-u-m-b," said Darla The teacher then said, "Can you use it in a sentence?" "Buckwheat is dumb." "Okay, can you spell stupid?" said the teacher. "S-t-u-p-i-d." "Can you use it in a sentence?" "Buckwheat is stupid." "Buckwheat, can you spell dictate?" "D-i-c-t-a-t-e." "Can you use it in a sentence?" "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch. At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one, God is watching." Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies... One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother: "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said: "So then why is the groom wearing black?"

A lil boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and Dad? " and she replied, "They`re up in bed," so the lil boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They`re still up in bed," and the lil boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the lil boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where`s Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied "They`re still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What give's? Every time I tell you they`re still up in bed you start to laugh!

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''