A few months after his parents were divorced, Nick passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Nick ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

There was once a boy born named Jeff. When Jeff was born, he only had a father, since his mother had died giving birth, and as a result, he was also an only child. His father looked at his new son, proud over his new baby's good looks and wise looking appearance. The father had high hopes for his baby. Soon, Jeff was already 4, and was sent to the local preschool. There, although the teachers said that he was a little misbehaved, still socialized a lot and made many friends. As a result, Jeff made his father proud of his son. When summer came and preschool ended, the father asked his son what he wanted as a present for making him so proud. Jeff thought a second and replied, "I want a yellow

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege. 9) The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal. 8) You are used to doing everything one-handed. 7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one. 6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero. 5) Your idea of romance is handholding. 4) You answer the question, "How are you?" with, "We're fine." 3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable, not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color. 2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think, "Hey, I wonder if I could interest

Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Demi Moore had a baby! Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth. Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts? I hope you're ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes. If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball. That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner? When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar. You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment. This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy. Oops!

Excuse Notes from Parents ... These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's faul

Now here's a classic joke that's been told by many kids, that should be very well known . . . anyway, after you read this, it's funny to try it on someone After every statement, say, "Behind the rock" 1. Billy went 2. He took off his shoes 3. He took off his socks 4. He took off his shirt 5. He took off his pants 6. He took off his undies 7. He made out with someone 8. Where were you?

A boy was assigned a job to do a list of spelling words for his class. The boy asked the teacher what spelling words to do. She replies "Ask your family for help if you can't think of anything." So the boy went home to ask his family for any help. "Mom, can you give me a spelling word for my list?" the boy asked. The mother was so busy on the phone, that she told her son to shut up. The boy thought "Shut Up!" was the word that his mother gave him. So he wrote it down, and walked along to his sister's room. His sister was on the computer, reading about a diary out loud. The boy asked the same thing to his sister, except this time, she replies with "Whatever.." So the boy wrote it down, and

A little boy walks into a ice cream parlor to buy ice cream. Worker: Hello little boy, can I help you? Little boy: Yes, I want some chocolate ice cream, please. Worker: Sorry, we're out of choclate. Little boy: Ok, I'll have some...........chocolate. Worker: Once again, we're out of chocolate, pick another flavor. Little boy: Hm................ I like chocolate! Worker thinks to himself. Worker: So boy, do you want some chocolate? Little boy: But there is no freakin chocolate! Worker: Exactly!

When my pap was younger, his family didn't have much money. One year for Christmas, his mother cut a hole in the front of his underwear so he would have something to play with.

Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can't help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad. I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he wouldn't stay left (We live in the southern hemisphere) and so other people on the track had to move to the right to get past. I screamed out to him to go left when i had my IPod in and he said "What." I said "Left, L-E-F-T. Gosh you can't hear anything when you daydream." And his response was "No you can't hear anything with your IPod in, I know what you said, you said FELT." I wonder who is the one that can't hear?

Early one morning, the milkman was doing his rounds. He stopped at a house to ask for his monthly fee, only to find a small boy at the door slurping from a beer bottle, smoking a Havana cigar, and with his arm around what appeared to be a call-girl. Surprised, the milkman asked the boy if his parents were home. "Does it fucking look like it?"

A child named Bob was running through the neighbor's garden. "Hey!" shouted the neighbor, "I thought I told you not to let me catch you here again!" "Right!" replied the boy, "and you haven't caught me yet!"