Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast."

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of balancing his new checking account. "The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store," his mother said. "Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

A boy comes home from school saying, "3rd grade math has way bigger numbers than 2nd grade!" His dad replies, "Don't worry, when you start getting a paycheck they get smaller again."

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

St. Paul, MN The hit movie "Home Alone" about a boy thwarting burglars with imaginative mayhem, wasn't total fantasy. Just ask the guy who tried to break in while 13-year-old Ryan Hendrickson was home alone. Ryan was watching television Wednesday night when he heard a noise that sounded like a window screen being cut. "I ran to the closet and grabbed a bat," Ryan said Thursday. "I went...into the dining room, where I saw him cutting the window with a knife. He put his left hand in first and I was waiting for his right hand to come in...and I took the baseball bat and I hit him as hard as I could." The man ran. Ryan called 911. Police, while cautioning Ryan to call 911 first next time, d

Kid: Mom, can i get the hot lunch tomorrow? Mom: What are they serving? Kid: Swiss steak. Pleeeeeease? Mom: Okay! Okay! I didn't know you liked Swiss steak so much. Kid: Oh, yeah! It sticks to the ceiling WAY better than the lasagna.

"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears." "You see, sir? I'm no good at math, either."

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and... "Where does mommy live?" "Minneapolis." "Where does grandma live?" "Baltimore." "Where does grandpa live?" "Baltimore." "And where does daddy live?" "At work!" Needless to say, he took the next day off!

A father in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light, where it wasn't allowed. "Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" he said. "That's OK, Dad," his son replied. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

A Thanksgiving Cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class. NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Ivette - Banana Pie You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it. Russell - Turkey You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it. Geremy - Turkey You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then you

A Thanksgiving Cookbook by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting from use of her cookbook. Meghan H. - Turkey You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You take it out and let it cool and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it. Megan K - Chicken You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees and put gravy on it and eat it. Christa - Cookies Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and dry them off. Then it's time to eat them. Jordan Simons - Chocolate Pudding Buy some chocolate pudding mix