Grey hair is hereditary - you get it from your kids.

Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Mom: "Why have you been sent home early, Jack?" Jack: "Because the boy next to me was smoking." Mom: "But if he was smoking, why were you sent home?" Jack: "Because I set him on fire!"

Teacher: "Simon! What does it mean if the barometer falls?" Simon: "Err.. The nail's come out of the wall, miss?"

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. 'So, how did you do, son?' he asked. 'You'll never believe it!' Billy said. 'I was responsible for the winning run!' 'Really? How'd you do that?' 'I dropped the ball.'

The class homework was to write about something unusual that had happened in the previous month. Little Johnny stood up to read his: "Daddy fell in the well last week," he began. "Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Johnson, the teacher. "Is he all right now?" "He must be," said Timmy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

A father and son went fishing one summer day. While they were out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "Dad, how does this boat float?" "Don't rightly know, son." "Dad, how do fish breath underwater?" "Don't rightly know, son." "Dad, why is the sky blue?" "Don't rightly know, son." Eventually, after the boy asked his father several more questions, "Dad, do you mind me asking all these questions?" "Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions, you never learn anything."

Sally – "Mummy, why can't I go swimming in the sea?" Mum – "Because there are sharks in the sea." Sally – "But mummy, daddy is swimming in the sea." Mum – "That's different, he's insured."

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generat

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" "No," said the boy. "Why not?" said the judge. "Because she beats me." The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." "Oh, no," cried the boy, "he beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay, who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with the New York Yankees." "Why?" asks the judge. "They don't beat anybody."

Justin: If you give me a quarter, I'll give you everything in my lunch box. Zach: That depends... what's in your lunchbox? Justin: Nothing!