A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am." The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

Mom: How did you do on your history test? Kid: Not good. Mom: Why? Kid: They asked me things that happened before I was born!

Max: Here I am, once again! I'm torn into pieces...can't deny it, can't pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don't get to see these tears I cry....BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES! Bailey: So, wha'd you do with the money? Max: What money??? Bailey: The money your mom gave you for voice lessons!

Bill and Bob were mischievous brothers. They always picked fights with each other. One day, their mother told them to go outside and play, but to remember to be good. Suddenly, Bob came running back in and said, "Mommy! Mommy! Bill broke Ms. Allen's window!" Ms. Allen was their next door neighbor. Their mom was shocked. "Tell me, Bob. How did Bill break her window?" Bob puffed out his chest and said accusingly, "I threw a rock at him and he dodged!"

Teacher: If you found five pence in one pocket and ten pence in the other,what would you have? Willy: Somebody else's trousers.

Teacher: Oscar, if you had five pieces of candy, and Joey asked for one, how many would you have left? Oscar: Five.

Teacher: If you stood with your back to the north and faced due south, what would be on your left hand? Lisa: Fingers

Billy: i know a person who is 35 and still in 4th grade! Eddie: Really! who? Billy: My teacher!

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, okay." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! Oh, Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you!"

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you copying the test from your friend. Student: I hope you didn't either

Jr: This year I failed every class except biology. Mary: How did you do that? Jr: Easy, I didn't take biology

A British girl recently moved to the United States and their home was near the Colorado River in Texas. The English teacher asked the kids to write about their home and neighborhood. The British girl wrote "My home is near the Colourado River." as part of her work.