Little Johnny's mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat." The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little' Johnny received a reprimand. After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide." At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The

Little Johnny asks his teacher: "How are the babies made?" Teacher, not wanting to take the responsibility of explaining such a sensitive subject, suggests that he go home and ask his parents. When he gets home, Johnny approaches his father with the same question. His father replies, "Oh! that is a long story, you better speak to mother!" The mother, in her turn, says: "Oh! It is a difficult question, why don't you better speak to granddad!" Grandfather is sitting on a bench in the garden and eating an apple just when Johnny comes up with the same question. And so he tries to explain: "You see, the apple has little seeds; when they are planted, an apple-tree will grow after a while; and

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. "Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was NOT mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprin

Kid 1: You did it again! Kid 2: What? What did I do? Kid 1: You know, that thing. Kid 2: What thing? Kid 1: That thing when your lips move and sound comes out.

Mother decided that 7-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted. "It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application." Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

Sam: "Cas, phone for you!" Cas: "Okay, thanks, Sam." --BEEP OF PHONE BEING TURNED ON-- "Hello? Oh, hi...." --AFTER PHONE CONVERSATION-- Sam: "So, who was it?" Cas: "Heather." Sam: "What did she want?" Cas: "Our phone number."

One day a boy said to his mom, "I'm a Picses, what are you?" The the mom answered, "Cancer." The boy then asked in a shocked state, "You killed Grandma?"

A boy was going to church on Sunday. His mom gave him $40 so that he could put $20 in the offering plate and use $20 to buy anything on the way. On his way to the church he lost the $40, so he went back to look for it. He found $20, then looked up and said, "God, here is mine. Go and look for yours!"

This is a true story told to me. A big city news anchor is driving along the freeway when his young son asks him, "Daddy, what does motherf____r mean?" He turns to his son, "That's a really bad word, don't ever say that again. Where did you learn that?!?!?" His son answers innocently, "Well, that's what you just said about that car you said cut you off."

Q.) What do you ask a kid wearing a muscle shirt but has no muscles? A.) Did you leave your muscles in your other muscle shirt?

Q.)Your child poops in their pants- what do you do? A.)Drop off the child at day-care and make them change it.

Q.)Why do kids pick their nose? A.)BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO DARN LAZY TO GET A TISSUE AND THEIR FAVORITE SHOW IS ON. EVEN THOUGH THEY'VE SEEN IT 1 HUNDRED TIMES, CAN'T MISS A SECOND TO GET A TISSUE, WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR FINGER FOR FAST AND EASY ANSWER FOR THEIR BOGERY NOSE! Q.) How do you make them stop? A.) Glue a tissue box full of tissues to their head.