Little Johnny was doing his homework, and it was some sort of code where you had to fill in which letter is which, i.e. the letter a = 1, b = 2, d = 4, etc. He got to one that he didn't know which number it was, and he decided to ask his father, who was sitting on the couch next to him. Little Johnny said, "Hey dad, can you tell me what the 25th letter of the alphabet is?" The dad answered, "Y." Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know. Gosh, do you know it or not?" The dad said, "Y, son!" Little Johnny said, "Because I wanna know, and if you want to deny it again, then you are more of a *&^%ing *&^%$ than a ^&*# on a %$#@! The dad took this hard, and said meekly, "It's t

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father's getting tired of it. He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, "Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests." Two days before Christmas, Justin's father asks him what he wants for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage." On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of do

This little boy asked his mother one day why his father had no hair. His mother replied, "Well dear, that's because he thinks alot." Having prided herself with coming up with such a wonderful answer she heard her son say, "Gee mommy I'm sure glad you don't think 'cause you'd look funny with no hair!"

The master, to impress on his pupils the need of thinking before speaking, told them to count to fifty before saying anything important, and to one hundred if it was very important. The next day he was speaking, standing with his back to the fire, when he noticed several lips moving rapidly. Suddenly the whole class shouted: "Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, a hundred. Your coat is on fire, sir!"

Little Jimmy, Little Billy, and Jimmy's father were at an Art Museum. Little Jimmy was looking at a picture of someone in a carriage being pulled by a horse. Little Jimmy brought his father over to look at the picture, and he asked his father, "Daddy, what is this?" His dad replied, "Why, that is a horse-drawn carriage!" Little Jimmy excitedly ran over to Little Billy, brought him back to the picture, and said, "Billy, a horse drew this picture!!"

There once was a boy, whose parents was a cursed a lot. One time, while he was on a drive with his dad, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. "Bastard!" the father muttered afterwards. The boy asked, "What does 'bastard' mean?" The dad told him nervously, "It's a slang word for 'police officer'." Another time, the dad was walking out of the house. On his way out, he tripped over the doormat and yelled, "Shit!" The boy heard and asked, "Dad, what does 'shit' mean?" The dad said to him, "It means 'doormat'." Later, the boy went into the kitchen and his mum was cooking eggs. She dropped one and yelled angrily, "Tit!" The boy asked her, "What does 'tit' mean?" The m

Definitions For Parents ----------------------------------------------------------- DUMB WAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call you child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our childr

I was soooo ugly when I was born that my mum got morning sickness after I was born. The doctor came in to the waiting room after I was born and told my dad, "We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I've never been able to understand why my bath toys were a radio and a toaster. And when I play in the sandpit, the cat always covers me up.

Q: Why did the boy wear a diaper to the party? A: He didn't want to be a party pooper.

According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don't eat broccoli.

I wish my name was Gary Boone! Do you wanna know why? Because, then, my name could be goon... you see, because you take the "G" from Gary and the "oone" from Boone to get Goon! But, you know, that's not the worst nickname. The person that does have the worst nickname is my friend, Phil Hart. I can't even tell you what we call him...