One day a little boy was at kindergarten. The teacher told the class their homework was to find the first five letters of the alphabet. When the little boy got home he went to his older brother who was playing video games. "Big brother whats the first letter of the alphabet?". His big brother then said to the little boy "Shut up retard i`m sick of listening to you!". Then the little boy went on to his second brother who was watching batman. " Big brother what`s the second letter of the alphabet?". The older brother who obviously wasn`t paying attention said " Na na na na na na na Batman!". The little boy went on to his dad who was watching football and said "Dad whats the t

You know how young children have that special hobby of always asking "Why?" Well, one day I went to the bank to pay some bills, and my 4-year-old daughter did just so. "Mommy, why are we coming here?" "So mommy can pay some bills." "Why?" "So that we can keep our house." "Why?" "So that we won't have to live on the streets." "Why?" "Because that's what will happen if we don't pay for our house." "Why?" "Because that's the way it goes." "Why?" "Why do you keeping asking 'why?'." "...why?" "You're being a nuisance." "Why?" "Because you got that from your father." "Why?" "Because your father is a nuisance." "Why?" "I don't know, you go ask HIM and then tell me why."

Little Tommy ran to his dad and said "Daddy, daddy! Watch me count." Tommy holds up his right hand, and, touching each finger, counts to five. "One, two, three, four, five." "Good!" his dad exclaimed. "Can you count higher?" Tommy pauses to think for a minute, then stretches his hand higher up in the air, past his head. "One, two, three, four, five..."

A mother and a her daughter go to a restaurant for breakfast to celebrate her birthday. The restaurant is known for its imported cheeses. The mother asks, "Would you like some cheese, my angel?" The little girl says,"Sure, but can you take out the holes in the cheese?"

One day Little Jimmy has a dentist appointment. The appointment is during 7:20 to 8:20, which is the first hour of Little Jimmy's school. The appointment went fine, but Little Jimmy's mom had to get up from bed early to take Little Jimmy to his appointment, so she is a little tired. Little Jimmy's mother gives him a note, and she instructs him to give the note to his teacher. Little Jimmy doesn't look at the note, then when he gets into his classroom, he hands the note to his teacher, just as his mother had instructed. His teacher took the note, took a glance at it, then fainted. Little Jimmy and his classmates ran over to her to look at the note to see what all the commotion was. The note r

Little Johnny: Hey dad, are bugs good to eat? Dad: Son, let's not talk about that at the dinner table, okay? Little Johnny and his dad were talking after dinner... Dad: So what did you want to say about bugs? Little Johnny: Oh, nothing. There was one in your soup, but it's gone now!

This is a list of what I have learned so far in my life: 1.) Always smile. It makes adults wonder what you're up to. 2.) Golf is no longer a rich man's sport. There are millions of poor players. 3.) If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 4.) It takes a thousand nuts and bolts to put a car together, yet just one nut to scatter it all over the road. 5.) NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn. 6.) NEVER ask your dad to help you with your math homework, unless you want a 4-hour lecture. 7.) When things look black, send them to the laundry. 8.) Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they're entitled to their stupid opinions!

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think shark

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and she was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said "ok", and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream."

Once the head teacher of a primary school walked into a classroom and started firing questions at the students. Head Teacher: "Who made the world?" The students shivered with fright but no one answered. Head Teacher: "Children,I asked, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" The teacher's voice was getting louder and the kids were freaking out. The head teacher banged his fist on the front desk and yelled: "I SAID, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" One of the students on the front seat yelled out in fright, "OH PLEASE SIR, IT WASN'T ME!"

A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"

Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.