Little Johnny: Hey dad, are bugs good to eat? Dad: Son, let's not talk about that at the dinner table, okay? Little Johnny and his dad were talking after dinner... Dad: So what did you want to say about bugs? Little Johnny: Oh, nothing. There was one in your soup, but it's gone now!

This is a list of what I have learned so far in my life: 1.) Always smile. It makes adults wonder what you're up to. 2.) Golf is no longer a rich man's sport. There are millions of poor players. 3.) If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 4.) It takes a thousand nuts and bolts to put a car together, yet just one nut to scatter it all over the road. 5.) NEVER play leapfrog with a unicorn. 6.) NEVER ask your dad to help you with your math homework, unless you want a 4-hour lecture. 7.) When things look black, send them to the laundry. 8.) Be tolerant of those who disagree with you. After all, they're entitled to their stupid opinions!

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years: This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7) I think shark

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and she was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said "ok", and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream."

Once the head teacher of a primary school walked into a classroom and started firing questions at the students. Head Teacher: "Who made the world?" The students shivered with fright but no one answered. Head Teacher: "Children,I asked, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" The teacher's voice was getting louder and the kids were freaking out. The head teacher banged his fist on the front desk and yelled: "I SAID, WHO MADE THE WORLD?" One of the students on the front seat yelled out in fright, "OH PLEASE SIR, IT WASN'T ME!"

A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"

Mom (Reprimandingly): Julia! How many times must I tell you not to pull the cat's tail? Julia (Innocently): But Mom, I'm only holding the tail. It's the cat that's doing the pulling.

Little Mikey's parents were going out, and Mikey said, "For 20 bucks, Dad, I'll be good." "Oh please," said his father. "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?" The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it." The teacher fainted.

A kindergarten teacher was giving her students a homework assignment. She said, "Students, I know you can do this. If you are going anywhere tonight, then watch how your parents drive in relation to the stoplight. This means, watch how they drive and what they say when the stoplight turns green, when it turns red, and when it turns yellow." So the following day, all the little kids came back with smiles on their faces because they knew that they had done their homework. The teacher asks, "So did everyone do their homework last night?" Every kid says in unison, "Yes!" The teacher continues. "So can anyone tell me what you do when the light turns green?" She looks past the outstretched

It was Father's Day, and Little Billy's mom told him to tell his dad to just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive. So Little Billy went into the family room where he found his dad watching TV. Little Billy said, "Dad, it's Father's Day, so mom and me think that you should just lay around, watch TV, and do nothing productive." His dad looked up from the TV and smiled, then went back to watching his show. Little Billy paused a moment and said, "You know, just like you usually do..."

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to his mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said "You must be an expert!" The man replied, "No sir I'm just a tax collector."