Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot, everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

"It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course." - Babe Ruth "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course." - Lee Trevino "I'm not saying my golf game went bad , but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced." - Lee Trevino "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball." - Jack Lemmon "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye." - Chi Chi Rodriguez "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a n

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro." Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John

1. CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself. 2. CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again. 3. DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." 4. FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. 5. GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license. 6. GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. 7. HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose. 8. IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. 9. ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. 10. SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing. 11. SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver." 12. TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. 13. WATER H

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he met a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows. The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400, and haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

Virgin Mobile wanted to sponsor the national team. SAFA (South African Footballing Association) refused to let it happen. They said, "How will it look if the team has Virgin written on their shirts when they get f****d up every other weekend?"

1971. Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its nightlife, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi." 1966. Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown." 1976. Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30:

1986. Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." 1991. Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." 1976. Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free." 1996. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." 1991. Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after

1992. Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." 1996. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." 1981. Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." 1976. Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it." 1966. Darre

Supplemental Rules for Bowling If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs". When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowl

How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The whole team - and they each get a semester scholarship for it.