A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?" The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?" "No", says the bum. The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar are you going to use it to gamble?" "No", says the bum. So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient mach

Justification for beer and ice cream! But stay away from the pizza! As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally suck the calories out of the only available source, your body fat. For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will, in a short time, be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calor

An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him "Don't stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away." So off he goes. After a while he doesn't come back and Patty is getting more and more nervous. About 5 hours later, after the dinner had ended, Phillip, obviously drunk, was just getting into the driveway of the house when he slipped and the snails went flying everywhere. Patty came out of the house and said to him, "Where have you been this whole time?" Thinking quickly Phillip bent down, looked at the s

The secret to enjoying a good wine is: 1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth

I-rish my beer was full...

The following actually occured last year in a resturaunt in Redford, Michigan. ________________________________________________ So........There's an empty bar,at the far right a man walks up, sits down, and orders a ginger ale. Another guy sits down at the opposite side of the bar a few minutes later and orders a glass of white wine. He says aloud in a quiet voice, "How could our President try to stop gay marriage?" Then the man at the far right answered, "Because marriage is bettween a man and a women and anyone who disagrees is going to have to change how they feel eventually if they want to go to heaven." (He sips his ginger ale, and puts his head in his hand to support himself.) "Bu

There are two guys walking down the street when they stumble upon a drunk. They walked up to him and the 1st guy said, "Sir, what is you name?" "My name is Jesus Christ!" slurred the drunk. "That can't possibly be, what is your real name?" asked the 2nd man. The drunk repeated, "I told you my name is Jesus Christ!" The two men still didn't believe him so the drunk told them to follow him as he walked into a nearby bar. It was then they heard the bartender say, "Jesus Christ, are you here again?!"

Three senators were sitting at the bar and having drinks with each other. The democrat started a conversation of were they liked their wives to be positioned during sex, the democrat said that he likes his wife on top, so he can see all of her. The republican said, "No no no I like my wife on the bottom, she needs to know who the one with the control and dominance is." The independent blurted out, "I prefer my wife out of town."

A girl walks into a bar and sits down with her friend. She is feeling down, so she talks to her friend. Her friend says "Go get a beer." She says she didn't want one. Then the friend says "Hey, who said it was for you?" copyright fox corp.

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts. The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart. Three bulls eyes!!! All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize. Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces

A juggler who was driving to his next performance was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"