The skeleton walked into the bar and asked, "Can I have a beer and a mop?"

One day a man with a box walked in a bar. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face, then he ran back. The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back. The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the le

A woman and her goose walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why'd you bring the pig in the bar?" The woman answered, "I do believe this is a goose!" The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"

You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor. Your twin sons are named Barley an

What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.

1. You've named that purple elephant that follows you everywhere. 2. Vision Imparment goggles don't change anything. 3. You earn $30 by counting your money again. 4. You use your beer belly as a coffee table. 5. You fly home every night. 6. Your wife keeps telling you not to light the house on fire but you don't listen. What does she know anyway? 7. Your house is fire proofed but you still manage to burn it to the ground. 8. You have a second, third anniversary. 9. The dog is drunk to. 10. No one you see can stop moving. 11. You offer the police officer that pulls you over a cold one. 12. The officer asks you about the vehicle you're pulling, you reply with "whats wrong with towing a boat?"

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside ne

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?". The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation. "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered. "Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said. "So, what's your name?" she asked. "Beerf$%^."

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt? They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon h

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Geez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry, right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni,