A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink. The second man says yes. They have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap. He asks, "So where you from?" The second man replies, "Ireland." The first man says, "WOW! Me too. Let's drink to Ireland." They drink and the second man says, "So what part of Ireland ya from?" The first man says, "Dublin. So...what school did you go to?" The second man says, "St. Sebastians. Graduated in 1969." The first man astonished says, "ME TOO! Damn, what a coincidence." Just then a regular comes in the bar and asks the bartender what's going on. The bartender replies, "Nothin' much. The O'

A drunk phones the police. He yells, "Come quick! Thieves have stolen my dashboard, steering wheel, brake and gas pedal, and my dang radio!! MY RADIO!!" The police are just about to send out an officer when the drunk phones back. He says very calmly, "Sorry officers. It turns out I just got in my backseat."

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you?" asks the puzzled manager. "Well," replies the drunk earnestly, "My car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender asks the first one, "What can I getcha?" The first vampire replies, "I'll have a pint of blood". The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too orders a pint of blood. The bartender turns to the third vampire and asks, "What about you?" The third vampire says, "I think I'll have a pint of plasma." The bartender says, "OK, so that will be two Bloods and one Blood Lite."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells him the price is $3. The man pulls out a $20 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender replies, "Sorry I can't accept that." The man then pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the bartender. The bartender refuses to accept it. The man finally pulls out a $5 bill and gives it to the bartender. The bartender once again refuses to accept it. When the man asks the bartender why he won't accept any of the bills the man is giving him, the bartender replies, "Sorry sir, this is a singles bar."

A man walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a beer. The whole bar is looking at the man curiously as he sits down. The bartender looks at his nice suit and tie and asks him if he's from around here. The man replies, "No sir, I'm from Pennslyvania." The bartender asks the man what he does for a living up in Pennyslyvania. The man replies, "I am a Taxidermist." The bartender slowly asks, "What is a Taxidermist?" The man answers back, "Oh, I just mount animals." The bartender grins wide and yells to the whole bar, "It's OK Boys!! He's one of us!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender, not wanting to serve a mushroom, says "Uh uh, I'm not serving no mushroom." "Aw, come on - I'm a fungi!" the mushroom replies.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What happened?" The guy replies, "I just found out my younger brother is gay." He finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders five shots and the bartender asks, " What happened this time?" The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay and I always looked up to him." The man finish's his shots and leaves. The next day he comes back and orders twelve shots. The bartender says, "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man replies, " Yea, my mom."

Joe walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop. "Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Joe replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key!" Joe replies. At this point, the cop looks down and sees Joe's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Joe, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?" Joe looks down sadly and moans, "Oh God.... they got my girlfriend too!"

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" 'Yeah,' the man answered, 'I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life.' 'But you look like Abe Lincoln.' protested the barkeep. 'That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago.'

So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says 'That's amazing. Where did you get him?' Bill answers 'well, I got this magic lamp with a genie.' So Joe asks 'that's great, could I use it?' Bill says 'sure ' and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He continued, 'I want a million bucks'. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims 'Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!' Bill explained. 'Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked