A man stumbles into his house after a night of drinking and is greeted by his very angry wife. "What's the big idea of coming home half drunk?" she yells. "I'm sorry, honey, but I ran out of money," he mutters.

The Blonde walked into a bar. The Brunette used the door. The redhead actually OPENED the door, and the Asian actually WENT THROUGH the door.

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him. Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed, "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I've told them once I've told them 100 times

It's forty below zero one winter "night" in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab." "Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week." "That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall." "But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that." "They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."

Bar Translations 1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.) 2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU." (Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar,but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.) 4. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE) (I'm easy.) 5. "CAN I GET A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE) (I'm gay.) 6. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.) 7. "EVER T

I saw this sign in a bar a few years ago. A camel can go eight days without a drink - but who the hell wants to be a camel.

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. Well, bring me the winner then.

Waiter, this plate is wet. That's your soup, sir.

Look here, waiter! How long must I wait for that half-duck I ordered? Until somebody orders the other half. We can't go out and kill half a duck.

Customer: I see you have gravy on your menu today. Waiter: Yes, sir. What would you like to have? Customer: A clean menu!

Four friends are at a bar one night when they spy a gorgeous woman sitting down at a table. They know they can't all have her so they decide to take turns trying to get the girl. The first friend walks up to the woman and says "Is it hot in here or is it just you"? The woman replies by turning away and the man plods back sadly to his friends. The second friend sits down next to her and very romantically states "heaven must be missing an angel". The lady tells him to leave so he goes back to sit with his friends. The third friend orders her a drink and sits down with her. He places his hand on her leg and before he can utter a word she calls security and he gets thrown out the bar. The fourth