So, this guy walks into a bar. And says, "ouch".

There's this dyslexic guy... he walked into a bra...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the

A drunk guy stumbles into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "No way, you've had enough." So the drunk leaves. The drunk then enters the bar from the rear door and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender refuses and asks the drunk to leave. The drunk comes back into the bar through the front door and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Listen, I'm not giving you a damn drink, you're already drunk enough." The drunk says, "DAMN, MAN! How many bars do you work at?"

A man walks into the bar and orders a round of beer for everyone. He even tells the bartender to pour himself one. So the bartender gives everyone the round and pours one for himself. He asks the man to pay, but the man says he has no money. The bartender is pissed so he beats up the man pretty bad then throws him out. The next day the same man walks back in and orders a round of beer for everyone and even tells the bartender to give himself one. The bartender thinks the man isn't stupid enough to do the same thing twice, so he does it and asks the man to pay. So the man says again he has no money. Again the man is beat up and thrown out. The next day the man comes back in and tells the bar

2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face. 5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face. 5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside. 6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face. He takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked h

A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back. Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted." The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not." The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!" Still unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied. All the wh

A man goes into the bar and orders a scotch. He gulps it down, and looks in his hand. He orders another one. He gulps it down and orders another one. He again looks in his hand. He orders 2 scotches this time and gulps them both down. He looks in his hand. The bartender, curious, asks the man what's going on. The man replies, "It's a picture of my wife. When she starts to look good, I'm going home."

A drunk is in the bar and crying uncontrollably. The man beside him asks him what's wrong. The drunk says, "I forgot what my wife told me, she said if I went out drinking again she'd divorce me and take the kids." The man says, "Well don't go home yet. It's only 6 p.m. Walk it off" The drunk replies, "GREAT IDEA!" Then he barfs all over his shirt, and now he is crying even more. The man says, "Look... you got 20 dollars on you?" The drunk hands him $20. The man puts the bill in the drunk's shirt pocket and says, "When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk stumbled out onto the street, bumped into you and puked on you. And he gave you $20 for the dry cleaning." The drunk is so happy n

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

A man walks up to the bartender in a bar and says, "I bet you twenty dollars I can pee into that cup over there." He points to a cup over the bar about 4 feet away. The bartender says sure, positive that the man can't do it and he's about to make 20 bucks. Sure enough, the man ends up peeing all over the bar, anywhere but in the cup. The bartender, laughing, collects twenty dollars. The man is still smiling. Curious, the bartender asks, "You just lost your bet. Why are you smiling?" "Well," said the man, "I just bet that man over there that I could pee all over your bar and you wouldn't do anything but laugh."