During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumour going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!"

During World War II, a sergeant gets a telephone call from a woman. "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner." "Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant. "Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman. "Will do," replied the sergeant. So that Thanksgiving while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five black soldiers are standing in front of her. "Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!" "No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

Post-Soviet Russia. Rabinovich calls the Pamyat headquarters: "Is it true that we Jews sold out Mother Russia?" In return he hears an affirmation accompanied by antisemitic slurs. "Oh good. So where can I get my share?"

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup — a miraculous shot. The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!" Answered God with a sly smile, "So who can he tell?"

An Orthodox, a Conservative, and a Reform rabbi are each asked whether one is supposed to say a brokhe (blessing) over a lobster (non-kosher food, normally not eaten by religious Jews). The Orthodox rabbi doesn't know what a "lobster" is. The Conservative rabbi doesn't know what to say. The Reform rabbi says, "What's a brokhe?"

We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi.

At an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant. At a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a Reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant. At a Reconstructionist wedding, the rabbi and her wife are both pregnant.

Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel, an Orthodox scholar of the Torah and a man who developed whining to an art unheard of in the West, was unanimously hailed as the wisest man of the Renaissance by his fellow Hebrews, who totaled a sixteenth of one per cent of the population. Once, while he was on his way to synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God's reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asked the following question: 'Rabbi, why are we not allowed to eat pork?' 'We're not?' the Rev said incredulously. 'Uh-oh.'

A man is rescued from a desert island after 20 years. The news media, amazed at this feat of survival, ask him to show them his home. "How did you survive? How did you keep sane?" they ask him, as he shows them around the small island. "I had my faith. My faith as a Jew kept me strong. Come." He leads them to a small glen, where stands an opulent temple, made entirely from palm fronds, coconut shells and woven grass. The news cameras take pictures of everything — even a torah made from banana leaves and written in octopus ink. "This took me five years to complete." "Amazing! And what did you do for the next fifteen years?" "Come with me." He leads them around to the far side of the island.

One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water, trying hard to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped in, and after a struggle, managed to bring it out alive. A passer-by who saw this remarked, "That was very brave of you! You must love animals; are you a vet?" Rabbi Bloom replied, "And vhat did you expect? Of course I'm a–vet! I'm a–freezing cold as vell!"

An old Jewish beggar was out on the street in New York City with his tin cup. "Please, sir," he pleaded to a passerby, "could you spare seventy-three cents for a cup of coffee and some pie?" The man asked, "Where do you get coffee and pie for seventy-three cents in New York? It costs at least a dollar!" The beggar replied, "So who buys retail?"

After performing a marriage the rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: "The first ten years are always the hardest," said the rabbi. "How many years have you been married?" they asked. "Ten years," the rabbi replied.