Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it every time he falls asleep. The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks, "Who is our savior?" Wilma pokes him with the needle, and he yells out "JESUS!" Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is, "Who is Jesus's Father?" Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out "GOD!" and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is, "What did Eve say to Adam after he impre

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design". "Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors" "I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in." "Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?" "Carp, and plenty of them", Noah said. "Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they went through various items such as the co

How do you know if you're in a gay church? If half the congregation is kneeling!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked. "No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained. A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantaged of by women of ill-repute than to let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice...."

There were two groups of people. The first one was of a taxi driver who was driving at a high speed that all the passengers knelt and prayed. The second was of a priest who was preaching but boring the people to the extent that they started walking out. WHO BROUGHT PEOPLE CLOSER TO GOD? The taxi-driver.

A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat. "So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance. "I am a Biblical scholar," he replies. "A Biblical scholar. Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" "I will concentrate on my studies, God will provide for us." "And children? How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will pr

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the Pearly Gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's underwear. St. Peter looked

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. The Forest Service required t

If a monk, living in a monastery, takes a vow of silence, then talks in his sleep, has he broken his vow of silence? If so, who is going to tell on him?