A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: 'Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?' 'Yes,' the professor ansvered. 'When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.' 'Well,' said the gatekeeper. 'That is a very minor sin. You may enter.' 'Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered. 'I am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper. 'He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'

Both of the following men have cheated on their wives and have decided to take it to the Lord. One is a gangster and one is a Christian. This is their prayers.... Christian husband: Dear Father Son and Holy Ghost, I have sinned and am so sorry. I cheated on my wife with her best friend. Please allow my wife to forgive me for it was a long night and I didn't mean to hurt her. Amen Gangster husband: Waz up Pops Pops Jr. and Spooks, I cheated on my women last night. She is pissed off but I have a good reason for my actions. You see I'm a pimp in my old town and one of my leading ladies was having some trouble so you know, Lil' Willy down there make it all better. Well, my woman found out so

A Catholic man was struck by a bus on a busy street. He was near death lying on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A priest! Somebody please get me a priest!" the man gasped. Minutes dragged on and no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Christian, but for fifty years now I've been living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I overhear their services. I can recall a lot of it, and m

Bob was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove Joe crazy. "Don't you understand?!? We're going to die!!" Bob replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week." Joe looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!" Bob answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!"

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the preacher's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Johnny, is there anything wrong"? The boy replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church". The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".

A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?" Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim Extremist blows itself up."

One day Billy is pulling some bottles to the recycling plant in his wagon to get some spending money, he is cursing up a storm while he is pulling the wagon. He comes around a corner and sees Jenny standing on the path in front of him. "Billy you shouldn't swear like that!" "Why the hell not?" "Because God will hear you" Jenny replies. "So what if he does" Billy replies. "Well if God hears you swearing you will go to hell." Jenny explains. "Well He can't hear me. He is not here!" "Yes He can hear you Billy. God is everywhere!" Billy thinks a minute than says, "You mean to say God is under that tree over there right now?" "Yes Billy He is there, but you can't see him because He is invisib

Jesus walks into an inn puts 3 nails on the counter and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Evening massage - 6 p.m. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. Ushers will eat late