Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial straits. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and now I'm even going to lose my car as well!" Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck. Back to the synagogue, "My God, why have you forsaken me so? I've lost my business, my house, my car and m

A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives Satan gives him a choice of what eternal punishment he'll be given. They go to a wall with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door and there are people standing on their heads on blocks of ice. The man says, "No way, I cant do this punishment." So they move on to the next room. Satan opens the second door and there are people standing on their heads on a brick floor. The man says, "No way, that would give me headaches forever." So they move on to the next room. Satan opens the door and inside there are people sitting in cow manure drinking tea and eating cookies. The man figures it can't be that bad so he chooses to spend eternity in that room. Just

Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin

Two guys are sitting there enjoying the Saturday night baseball game. It is the top of the 2nd inning when suddenly they notice two Nuns arrive at the game. Lo and behold the Nuns enter the row in front of them and make there way along, of course sitting directly in front of them. Well, their disgust was overwhelming... Nuns... at a baseball match!!! One of them immediately comes out with the comment "Go to a basketball game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". A little while on, the other of the two comments "Go to a football game, ya wouldn't find Nuns there now would ya!?". Again, not more than five minutes later, the first one mentions "Go to a Ice Hockey game, you wouldn'

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the bishop how he had done. The bishop replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday, he took the bishop's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did n

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They're in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the "Rev" Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "That would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that wou

A few minutes before the church services start the parishioners are sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appears at the front of the church. Everyone starts screaming and running for the door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone is gone except for an elderly gentleman sitting calmly in his pew, seemingly unaware that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. Satan walks up to the old man and asks, "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep," the old guy replies, "sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asks. "Nope, sure ain't." says the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." says the old

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is grey (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (

"Excuse me, Sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?" "Oh, yes; I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know, Sir. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, Sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out." "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?" "You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they are important." "What do you mean 'if they are important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you." "Well - sorry, Sir, bu

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny." "Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked

A man and a woman are having an affair. One day, the woman's husband comes home early from work. To avoid being caught, the cheating man runs over to hide in the closet. As he closes the door he hears a little voice say, "It's dark in here." This startles the man, and he looks down to see the woman's son. He then asks, "You're not going to say anything, right kid?" The boy says, "You know, I could really use a new baseball glove," to which the man replies, "Ok, ok here's $25 if you keep quiet." "You got a deal mister," the boy says, and he leaves the closet. The next week, the woman's husband comes home again. As the cheater goes into a closet, he hears a voice say, "It's dark in

"Please, God," the man prayed, "you know me. I'm always praying to you, yet I've had nothing but bad luck, misery and despair. Look at the butcher next door. He's never prayed in his life, and he enjoys prosperity, health and happiness. How come a believer like me is always in trouble, and he's always doing so well?" "Because," a voice boomed from the heavens, "the butcher doesn't bug me, that's why!"