My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. Made millions - hasn't looked back since!

News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head. The hospital spokesperson said, "He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion."

Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.

Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.

What was the principal singer of nineteenth century opera called? Pre-Madonna!

"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"

Velcro - what a rip-off!

I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog.

There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10

Teacher: Jackie, please use the word "climate" in a sentence please. Jackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me "climate" Teacher: That's correct! Teacher: Now, Luis use the word "arrest" in a sentence. Luis: Sure, after running a mile I need "arrest"

Ryan: Hey Philip, what's that on your leg? Philip: A shoe! Ryan: Gesundheit! Philip: No, you idiot, a shoe! Ryan: No need to thank me, gesundheit!

My pal is addicted to brake fluid - but he says he can stop any time he wants.