Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?

Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me thrice you are not nice Fool me four times and I am gonna cap your sorry ass.

My grandfather invented the rear-view mirror. Made millions - hasn't looked back since!

News just in - the drummer tripped over the cymbals, and hit his head. The hospital spokesperson said, "He'll be all right in a couple of days; he's just suffering from percussion."

Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.

Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you'll never get better.

What was the principal singer of nineteenth century opera called? Pre-Madonna!

"Hey Sean, I've got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?" "Tennish? I don't even have a racket"

Velcro - what a rip-off!

I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog.

There were some kids playing hopscotch and they were allowed to skip so when the winner was on 8 it went straight to 10

Teacher: Jackie, please use the word "climate" in a sentence please. Jackie: Sure, I have a cherry tree in my backyard, but my parents won't let me "climate" Teacher: That's correct! Teacher: Now, Luis use the word "arrest" in a sentence. Luis: Sure, after running a mile I need "arrest"